My Dark Friend

I recognize that monster. That darkness that swirls and discombobulates you. You don’t know which way is up, down, in or out. I am lost in it alone. It is a thick mud it covers everything. It’s so viscous I can’t even reach a hand up or out to ask for help. I can’t open my mouth to speak the words and if I do the darkness fills my mouth to the point that no words escape, and I drown in my despair.

I’m here.

Can you see me?

I’m in it alone. Only me. I can’t see the world around me. The faces that care that stare down at me in my pit of darkness are disfigured and seem to far away.

They don’t understand.

This darkness, this monster is a familiar comfort. This is what I know. I did know light. How do we know there’s anything different? I hear the stories, the fairy tale of a place where light grows and glows from within. Where there is freedom of soul and spirit, but all I know is this darkness that consumes me. That weighs me down and holds me. I lose myself in this darkness. It WAS my world. This WAS all I knew. I did not know another way or the possibility even existed.

Looking back, I remember that monster, that darkness, that familiar place. I don’t know how I escaped. It wasn’t overnight. It was more like the way the sun slowly creeps over the horizon and all of a sudden, I could see the first foothold to escape my pit of hopelessness and walk in the light with my feet in the grass. A world of possibilities around me.

How did I come here?

Did I die?

Did I wake up?

Did I sprout through the surface?

I recognized a choice, and I made it. I chose to grow. Death was also a choice, but this time I chose to live. I took one step then another 1 millimeter at a time. I sprouted. I grew. I broke through the surface of my dark monster. To realize that that darkness was the soil I was planted in. It Is what gave me the strength, It was my teacher, not the monster, not a beast. Oh, when I was lost in it. It seemed so infinite, and now that I’ve grown through the surface of it, I love it and am grateful for it.


didn’t see him. I looked him directly in the eyes, yet I did not see him. It made me realize that maybe that’s the problem….We never really see each other. When I work with groups of light workers and healers, the energy of their light and vitality illuminates them, and it’s so easy for me to see them. It’s easy for me to see disruptions in their light. I see their beauty and how they walk gloriously, and yes though they have shadows, it’s easy for me to see them.
I recently had a situation where I was meeting with an individual in my corporate capacity. I do usually close myself off during these interactions so that I don’t drain myself. However, I also keep myself slightly open to work empathically during interactions. I looked him in the eye. I saw the sadness, but I did not pick up much more than that. The next day I received word that he had ended his life. The news has hit me hard. I feel as though I should have seen it…I feel as though I should have recognized that dark messenger that I am so familiar with.
Then I had an epiphany. How can we see the shadow inside a shadow slumping around in the darkness? Perhaps that’s the reason for the excruciating loneliness that we experience on a day-to-day basis. We don’t feel seen for our true selves, or maybe we get so used to being enveloped in the shadow of the shadow we don’t know who we are anymore to be seen.
I see you, and if you are hidden in the darkness, Ill help hold the light.
I choose to see you and accept you as you are.

Stranger in the Mirror

Who am I? The question circulates in my mind. I am multiple fractured pieces that no longer know how to fit together. It’s like a puzzle with parts missing. I cannot see the complete picture of who I am and what I want. The only time my mind falls silent is when I ask that question. Any other time it’s like a noisy mall with multiple conversations going on all at once. I don’t know what direction to go in, so that’s when I know it’s time to go within…. The answers will be waiting for me there.

 When we look within, we start to see the source of those things that make us feel unbalanced and unsatisfied with where we are in our life. This can be difficult work to do on your own, having somebody to walk by your side gives us the strength to take that extra step and walk a little further.

We don’t have to learn to run overnight.  It’s a progress of baby steps each one taken in the present moment. Getting us one step after another down that path to finding the life that we deserve and have been dreaming about. Every small step is a success. If I fall, I get back up, there are no failures just opportunities for growth.